This is All I Want

I know this is a selfish, low-down, and cold-blooded thing to do, but I want something in return for doing this blog. I want a little place where I can vent all my little creative urges and heap them upon everyone else. I really don’t think it’s too much to ask for, is it? I mean, it’s not like everybody has to read it. In fact, you could skip it altogether and just click “like” to appease me and pretend we’re still friends! Of course, my feelings would be hurt if I ever found out, but don’t let that stop you.

Anyway, like I was saying, I wanted my own little blog. In this little blog, of which I already admitted I’m doing for purely selfish reasons, I’ll write things about life from a humorous point of view…at least I’ll try to be humorous. Like I mentioned before, I have plenty of material because I’m the proud (mostly) owner of hundreds of children and grandchildren. They’re all good for a few laughs, which is why I’ve kept them for so long, and we don’t mind having an exaggerated view of our lives exposed to everybody. At least I don’t mind…everyone else have no choice.

In my writing, I like to follow two basic rules. The first is not to make my wife angry with what I wrote. The second is to REALLY, REALLY, REALLY TRY NOT TO MAKE MY WIFE ANGRY WITH WHAT I WROTE! Actually, I follow a few more rules than that, but these are the two that REALLY, REALLY, REALLY put the fear of God in me. I also avoid the use of foul language (unless talking about chickens), avoid controversial issues (unless I have a real clean burn on somebody else), avoid anything I wouldn’t want the kids to read (unless, once again, I have a real clean burn on one of them), and avoid politics (unless, of course, I have a chance at that real clean burn thing again).

With these blogs, I will be telling everyone (you know who you are!) a little bit about myself. This way, you’ll know, or maybe not, where I’m coming from. For example, if I used a cheese-head line like, Oh, the cow kicked Nellie in the belly in the barn, which might be hilarious in Wisconsin, but not so much in Washington state, you’ll figure out I might be originally from Wisconsin. In my mind, I’m picturing the cow kicking Nellie in the belly…excuse me…trying so hard not to laugh…my friends from Wisconsin understand…I think. But here in Washington state, you’re probably concerned about whether Nellie was hurt and whether gangs were involved somehow. Some of you might be concerned about what kind of education Nellie had that omitted the fact that a cow could kick you in the belly in the first place, thus avoiding what was a, no doubt, painful experience for her belly. Still, more of you will be wondering what exactly Nellie did to the cow to cause it to kick. Um, in my ignorance that these are serious issues, it’s just a song. Besides, the last verse informs us that, The old man said it wouldn’t do her any harm. Old men are wise…

All of this brings up what I really wanted to write about…women’s bellies…um, you know, that childbirth thing. This is another subject I try to avoid, so let’s get to it. It’s a subject which I, and I think I’m speaking for most males, have had bad experiences with. I mean, you hear things like, “childbirth is a beautiful thing,” or “the most wonderful day of my life was when I gave birth to my child.” That all sounds nice, but what about things like, “I brought you into this world and I can take you out,” or, “I spent 50,000 years in painful labor with you and this is the thanks I get?”

Realistically, however, I think most of us males feel inadequate during childbirth. I mean, how can we ever know what it’s like for a woman? All we can do is offer our support, you know, breathing and things like that. Of course, if the soon-to-be father just polished off a pastrami sandwich with a side of garlic bread, he might want to rethink the whole breathing support thing. It’s tough enough for a woman to give birth as it is with a male’s normal breath.

Well, this is all I want…a blog. I hope you enjoy it and always remember, you get what you pay for. This blog is free.

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