I would like to propose a toaster

A couple months ago, it was the time of year where many men cringed in fear. What time of year was that? If you asked this question, you are, without a doubt, a female. If you are a married male with kids, you already know. This is the time of year where Mother’s Day rears it’s forbidding head! The time of year when married men everywhere stress out over buying the right gift for their wives. It’s also just shortly prior to the time of year when married men find out, once again, they screwed up and bought the wrong gift.

WIFE: “What’s this?”

HUSBAND: “It’s a toaster!” (A very uncomfortable silence generally follows) “Do you like it?”

WIFE: “It’s, um, nice.” (Translation: YOU SCREWED UP AGAIN!)

HUSBAND: “Isn’t it what you wanted? I know I heard you say we needed a new toaster? I’d like to think I listen to your needs.” (Feeble attempt at trying to seem like a sensitive man).

WIFE: “I’ve always dreamed of a toaster to thank me for everything I do as a mother…a wife…a human being (sniff, sniff). It truly shows what I’m WORTH to you, you UNGRATEFUL %$@*!” (Symbols are being used to designate inappropriate language, um, in case you didn’t know. This is supposed to be a kid-friendly blog, after all).

This is an example of a mild situation. The husband, in this case, should be grateful he didn’t gift his wife something sharp, um, like a complete set of Ginsu knives. Of course, given the right situation and correct level of anger, it still could be worse…

DOCTOR: HE HAS A TOASTER LODGED UP HIS WHAT?!?!

Lesson number one, never, and I’ll repeat, NEVER, EVER, buy your wife a household appliance as a gift. If you think the toaster is bad, some guys actually get their wife something to help with housework. Just stupid. The idea behind a gift is to show you care. Believe me, a new mop and bucket will really show her just how much you care.

Now, here’s another pitfall we men can fall prey to. How many of us have heard the old “I sure wish I could take off some of this weight” or “Do you think I’m fat?” Dim that lightbulb guys, cause this is what you’re in for…

WIFE: “Oh…it’s an exercise tape. Um…”

HUSBAND (visibly excited): “Yeah! It’s called Bumper Buns and Bounteous Bosoms! Can we go watch it now?”

WIFE (in a terse tone): “It’s by some girl named, um, Bunny.”

HUSBAND (still clueless): “I know! She’s supposed to be, um, really good at this!”

Lesson number two is that you NEVER, EVER buy your wife an exercise video made by “Bunny.” Put it this way, it would be the same as your wife buying you a weight-lifting video starring “Chip N. Dale.”

CHIP (on video): “Okay, we’ll just warm up with 50 reps of the 500-pound dumbbells in each hand.” (At this point Chip will give a side profile with a very toothy grin outshining his rippling and oiled body).

WIFE (your wife, intently watching the video, her voice suddenly a little breathy): “I’m sure you can do what he’s doing, um, honey, um, wow, are those real?”

Get the picture? Along with exercise videos you can throw out any ideas about exercise equipment, unless, of course, you need a clothing rack. Mother’s Day is all about appreciation. Believe me, giving your wife something that says “I’d appreciate you more if you looked like Bunny” is not very appreciative.

So now we get to the part where you ask, “Well, Mr. Dazeodrew, what can I get her to avoid screwing up again?” I’m glad you asked that question! It shows that you’re willing to try and change into the man your wife always wanted! Unfortunately, after thorough research for what must’ve been 5 minutes, I’ve concluded that there isn’t an answer. Bottom line is, you’ll never get it right. Oh, you can try and please her and even get close to succeeding at times, but you’ll never get it just right. “So why am I reading this?” you ask? Another good question I can’t answer. All I can do is explain why you fail.

Remember when you were a kid? You could give your Mother a clump of sod for Mother’s Day and she would tell you that it was something she would cherish forever. Don’t believe me? Ask your Mother. Somewhere in her house is a little box covered with hearts with a clump of sod in it. You know, that box that your Father looks at occasionally with complete and utter disdain. Little did you know that your Mother was setting you up to be just like your Father, grooming you to be a failure with your own wife in the future. By accepting everything and anything you gave her, she left you with a sense of false thinking that you knew what to give a woman for a gift. Next time you talk to your Mother, remember to thank her for this.

Case in point: While I was writing this blog entry, my wife began to coo and spout loving statements about a video her son sent her of Rod Stewart singing Forever Young. “Oh, he remembered!” she cooed. “I used to play this on the car stereo when I took him to school!” she cooed even more sweetly. “What a thoughtful Son!” she cooed, if possible, even more sweetly. How can I compete with that? If I sent a video, I would wait a few days before finally asking, “Did you see the video I sent you? Pretty sweet of me, huh?” She would give me a blank stare before recovering enough to say, “Oh, yes, um, yes, very sweet.” Notice she didn’t coo sweetly?

Generally, you can avoid these harsh examples I’ve given you by following the old basics when buying gifts for your wife. You know what I mean, those things you used to buy her when you first met and wanted to impress her. Flowers, jewelry, dinner at a fine restaurant, cutesy things, etc. What you have to do is put yourself back into the courting stud mode. If you can do that, you’ll find yourself achieving a higher degree of success…not as much as that kid you own, but still, something better than the toaster.

If all this doesn’t work, I suggest you go ahead and buy the exercise video with “Bunny” in it. What do you have to lose? If she doesn’t like anything else, at least you get to watch the video.

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