That lever on the left…

Like a number of other people, I get frustrated at certain things while driving. Lately, I’ve been frustrated even more than usual. Some of that I can blame on slowly turning into a grumpy old man, but I have to believe some of my increased frustration is valid. Of course, through the years, traffic has increased just about everywhere. Also, of course, due to population growth, the number of idiots has increased just about everywhere…and they drive.

I remember a few years ago, when I was cut off by a woman in a luxury SUV, I found an opportunity to share my frustration. It turned out she was going to the same store and I parked near her. I’m guessing she knew I had been behind her because she gave me a dirty look when she looked at me after getting out of her vehicle. Up until that point, I knew I probably wouldn’t have said anything because I can sometimes have a quick temper and nothing makes it quicker than a confrontation with somebody so obviously WRONG. Her dirty look changed my plans.

ME: I think your turn signal is broken.

HER: I don’t think so. I think you were following me too closely.

ME: Before or after you swerved in front of me in my lane? Do you know what a turn signal is?

HER: Are you being a smart ass?

ME: I’m trying not to be…you know that lever on the left of your steering wheel?

HER: I don’t have to listen to this! (She began to stomp towards the store. I followed right behind).

ME: That’s true…you know that round thing you put your hands on when your driving? (No answer, just stomp, stomp, stomp). Ok, do you know what a car is? (Apparently, I struck a nerve. She stopped and turned around, a little red in the face).

HER: I KNOW WHAT A TURN SIGNAL IS!

ME: Oh! Good! That will save us some time! Um, do you know how it works?

HER: For YOUR information, I didn’t need it! I know exactly where I’m going!

Ok, let that sink in. Yes, I embellished the story…just a little, but that last comment from her “I know exactly where I’m going” is a direct quote. I’ll repeat, A DIRECT QUOTE. She has a license. She actually passed a test at some point in her life to get that license. This should scare you because I’m pretty sure there are others like her…men…women…and they’re breeding. It’s kind of like a zombie apocalypse, but instead of the whole body, it’s just their brains. This might only be a theory, but I know there are a number of you reading this, nodding your heads, and thinking about some of the zombie brained people you already know. Just remember, THEY ARE BREEDING!

Of course, there are other scary things that happen while driving. Have you ever pulled up to a red light, looked over to the car in the next lane, and suddenly realize there appears to be no driver? After a closer look, you determine there is a driver, but all you can see is a pair of hands on the steering wheel? Then you do that thing while sitting in your car…you know, that thing? That thing where you try to get taller while sitting and craning your neck forward to get a better angle? Good, now that we’re on the same page, we can go on. After doing that thing, you see the top of a short old person’s head? Or maybe they’re not old, just short? Or maybe they have like really, really long legs but an extremely short torso? Or maybe…well, I think you get it. All you can see is knuckles. That’s scary.

Another scary thing is the swerver. Swervers like to show up during rush hour. They’re the ones that seem to think that by constantly switching lanes, especially if you’re barely reaching 5 miles per hour, they will get to their destination before everybody else? After an hour of this, don’t you want to laugh at them, or flip them off, as you pull up next to them at the exit ramp? After all, although the swervers serve to keep you awake during the traffic jam, they are annoying because you’re always watching them to see if they’re going to swerve in front of you again…and they are usually from the zombie brain species evolving (or should I say, devolving) in our midst. How do I know? THEY DON’T USE THEIR TURN SIGNALS! That’s how.

There are plenty of other examples. The person who pulls up only a couple of feet behind you at a red light, on a very steep hill, and you’re driving a stick? The person you were kind enough to let in front of you and then they slow down to half the speed limit? The person driving at night that keeps tapping their brakes…and nobody is in front of them? I could actually go on for quite a while, but I think everybody reading this has plenty of their own examples.

Now for all you zombie brains who might be reading this, I apologize if I offended you. I had no intention of degrading anybody in this post. Seriously, I mean it. There’s enough of that going on in the world today. But, as long as I have your attention…you know that lever to the left of your steering wheel?

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