The Look

When my daughter was in Kindergarten, I discovered an important fact about females…they are born with a super-power called “The Look.” Now, before we get too far into this phenomenon, I need to explain that “The Look,” is a generalization that covers a lot of messages. Mostly these messages are intended for males, but they can be used on most anybody, male or female. When females use them on each other, it’s mainly to describe what they just did to a poor guy or as a joke amongst each other.

So, you ask, what is this thing you’re talking about? What is this “The Look,” all about? Let me try to clarify. When a female is interested in you, she gives you a certain look or sign. If a female is irritated with you, once again, she gives you a certain look. If she wants you to back off or just go away, yes, the look. Of course, as a male, we misinterpret these things all the time. For us, especially if we aren’t enlightened yet, all these looks look the same. Actually, let’s face it, if we think she looked at us, we stop analyzing what the look was and automatically assume interest.

GUY #1: Did you see that girl looking at me?

GUY #2: What girl? Where?

GUY #1: That one over there…but don’t look! (a famous unintelligent comment often employed at bars and nightclubs where you point to what you’re talking about then try to stop basic human nature from responding).

GUY #2: The blonde or the brunette?

GUY #1: Quit looking! The blonde.

GUY #2: I think they’re with some guys already…

GUY #1: No, she was glancing around and our eyes locked. Wait, she’s coming this way! You’ll see now!

At that point, she breezes by to go into the Ladies Restroom right behind their table. First lesson, even though you’ll definitely see a lot of girls, don’t sit in front of the Ladies Room…you’re going to think a lot of women are looking at you when they’re just locating the Ladies Room. You, Mr. Handsome Don Juan Wannabe, are the last thing she’s thinking about at that moment, or possibly any moment.

GUY #2: Hmm, looks like you’ve been replaced already…

Anyway, I used to think “The Look” was a learned thing. Maybe it was passed along from Mother to Daughter or something, I don’t know. Or maybe there really is a secret club that teaches girls these things so they can be prepared to torture men…I still don’t know. All I know is that in a moment that lasted a mere few seconds, I watched my 5-year-old daughter employ “The Look.”

We were at a Parent-Teacher Conference when it happened. We were walking to my daughter’s classroom when a little boy ran up with a couple of his friends and opened his mouth to say something to my daughter. He never got the chance. “The Look” was immediately deployed by her and he stopped dead in his tracks. He not only did that, but his jaw seemed to unhinge and shake as he began to back away. His friends were in no better shape and they all soon turned and ran away without a word. I looked back to my daughter and her face looked sweet and innocent like it did before the boys arrived.

I realized I had just witnessed something big…something I believe a male isn’t supposed to comprehend or gain full understanding about…something so weaponized, that if completely dissected, could change the world! Males everywhere would finally have an advantage! I had to study this and put it in a way that all of us could understand…let’s face it, males can certainly be the stupidest gender oftentimes…

I could hardly pay attention during the conference. I had stumbled on something that was way bigger then drawings of flowers and puppies. At this moment, I just couldn’t focus on the turkey art made by putting your hand down and tracing around it, though I must admit, I thought my daughter’s turkey was much better than all the others. I was concentrating so hard on my newfound knowledge that I missed the question being asked of me.

TEACHER: Mr. Dazeodrew? Did you hear me?

ME: Um, what? I’m sorry, I just discovered something about “The Look.”

Everybody was suddenly quiet. I was too excited, or too stupid, to shut up at that moment.

TEACHER: Um, what look?

I explained what had happened and how I had a “eureka” moment. I also explained how I was going to share this with all the other males in the world. We would no longer be reduced to puddles of confusion just because a female gave us “The Look.” I was on to their little secret!

TEACHER: Mr. Dazeodrew, look at me.

I knew I shouldn’t, but I wanted to test my new-found knowledge and see if I was strong enough to resist what was coming, and it came full force. The teacher had “The Look” dialed up to ten. I ventured a glance at my wife and sure enough, another dialed up ten look. My last hope was my daughter. Surely a daughter wouldn’t turn on her dad just to protect all females everywhere? I glanced over.

It’s been thirty years or so since I discovered the secret of “The Look.” I keep the secret to myself because, well, I’m scared. If my own daughter, who I’m sure loves me, can turn on me to protect female-kind at age five, there’s no telling what kind of danger I’m in. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now since I’ve exposed it, but I have enough provisions to last me a good twenty years when I go into hiding.

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