Lord of the Flies

Some people hate spiders. Some people hate snakes. I like both spiders and snakes. What I don’t like are flies. Flies bring out the worst in me. If one fly buzzes around me, I turn into a crazed stalking killer until it’s dead. If there are more flies, I seriously start considering gasoline and matches…

When I was a boy, I detested flies. I used to walk around the outside of the house killing every fly I could. My dad thought I was nuts until he noticed we didn’t have as many flies getting into the house. I was a fly killing machine and would try to kill as many as fifty every day during the warmer weather. I became so efficient, I could snag a fly out of the air, shake my fist, then throw it as hard as I could into a wall or the sidewalk. If it was still alive after that, I put it out of its misery with my foot.

In my early life, I witnessed hundreds of flies on dead animals or just around the garbage cans. Our neighbors probably thought it was the garbagemen who were denting their metal cans but often it was a killing crazed boy going to town on any fly he saw.

I’m not a natural killer. If there was a spider in the house, I would catch it and let it go outside. If a bird was injured, I would nurse it to health. If I saw kids throwing rocks at squirrels or any other animal, I would defend the animal. If an innocent kid was getting beat up, I would jump to the aid of the innocent kid. If there was a fly that was simply alive, my eyes would glaze over, my inner demon would surface, and I stalked that fly until he or she was dead. Then I would search for its family.

I had a natural alliance with frogs, toads, and lizards. We had the same mission other than they would eat the flies…I just destroyed them.

When I was in the Mideast, I was more concerned about killing flies than killing the enemy…to a degree. There were more flies in that God forsaken desert than anywhere I have ever seen. They were everywhere! When we built our latrine, I put a spring on the door so we could keep the flies out. It sure beat screaming at soldiers to close the door when they exited.

Why am I writing about flies? I’ll tell you why. When I woke up today and went to my little office, there was a fly. It was fast. It was bothersome. I eventually killed it. Then I realized it hadn’t been very fast at all. It was part of a large group of flies that somehow found their way into the house. I went to the kitchen and there were several flies buzzing around. I killed them. Then as I went through the living room, there were several more. I killed them.

Every twenty minutes or so, another fly would buzz around my head while I tried to work. I realized I had a problem. At first, I thought someone left a door or window open. After I killed about thirty, I realized they must’ve hatched in the house. I spent my entire day killing flies.

I’m now writing this post at about eight o’clock at night and my count is at 51 flies. I haven’t seen another one in the last half hour or so. I’m dreading the walk upstairs where my wife said she killed a couple more. I just know one is going to visit me when I lay down to sleep, just to torment me.


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