Identity Theft

It seems like every other week I get a notice that my identity has been compromised. I get these notices of the compromise, then I get a notice from a law firm stating I’m part of a class-action lawsuit and if I want to be a part of it, “do nothing”, then out of the blue I get a check for $6.32 which is my part of the settlement. I usually celebrate my windfall by buying my wife a LARGE cup of espresso and then laugh gleefully because I have about 32 cents left to spend any way I like.

Seriously, identity theft can be a frightful thing. About ten years ago, I had my identity stolen and my accounts raided of nearly $5000. Insurance covered the loss and it never happened again. Still, I keep a close eye on our accounts. Not for the reason you think because nowadays I don’t have much in my accounts, but I’m rather hoping the tables get turned by their theft…

THIEF: I’d like to make a withdrawal.

BANK: Are you Mr. Dazeodrew?

THIEF: Yes, I am.

BANK: Are you aware you have a negative balance of $107,986? How would you like to remedy this?

THIEF: Wait, there must be a mistake…

BANK: No, Mr. Dazeodrew, there isn’t. We’ve been looking for you.

THIEF: No, wait, I’m not…

BANK: Our secret locator has just found where you are making this call from and law enforcement is on its way.

THIEF: WHAT?!?! No wait…what’s that noise?

BANK: We’re coming in!

THIEF: NO! I’M NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM! LET GO OF ME! THIS IS ALL A BIG MISTAKE!

Just once I’d like to hear a story like that. Or let’s say I’m late on the power bill…

BANK: We’ve located you and since we’re in cahoots with the power company, we’re shutting off the power at where you’re staying now.

THIEF: Wait, what? Hey! The lights went off! I was just popping popcorn in the microwave so could you give me another 3 minutes? Hello? Hello?

I figure since the thieves wants anything positive I have, they should also inherit the negative. It would be so nice if I could let them take my credit rating along with my account information.

ME: What do you mean I have perfect credit?

CREDIT AGENCY: Well, Mr. Dazeodrew, your bad credit has been stolen by a bad guy, so you get to start fresh!

ME: Oh yay! What a great bad guy! Can I send him a thank you card?

CREDIT AGENCY: You can try, but we have his home scheduled for demolition at the moment, your card might not get there in time.

ME: Oh, ok. Well, it’s the thought that counts, right?

CREDIT AGENCY: Absolutely! Hey, maybe we can charge this inquiry to his credit report? That would be a nice way to thank him!

ME: That would be wonderful! Can you put a note to him with that? Something like, oh, maybe, “Thanks for stealing from me. Love, Dazeodrew?”

CREDIT AGENCY: Nice.

I know, wishful thinking. It would be so awesome to give away your troubles to a bad guy. We could even go further with the identity theft.

THIEF: You’re arresting me for WHAT?

POLICE: 200 unpaid parking tickets, Mr. Dazeodrew. Up against the wall, please.

THIEF: No, wait! I’m not Mr. Dazeodrew! I’m just an identity thief!

POLICE: Well, you were very thorough. You have the right to remain silent…

Maybe we could even pass along other problems…

THIEF: What do you mean I have to pay Jimmy’s tuition? Who’s Jimmy?

Or…

WIFE (not mine, someone else’s): So, you stole my identity? Oh good! Now you’re married to that bastard!

THIEF: But I’m a man!

WIFE: Perfectly legal in this state. Do you get the kids too?

I would be a whole lot more supportive of bad guys, at least identity thieves if we could do this. Heck, we could even contract with a bad guy if we want to start fresh. They could compete with each other on who gets your bills and bad credit. Don’t like your spouse? Call the bad guys. Can’t pay your power bill? Call the bad guys. Need to disappear for a while? Call the bad…wait, maybe not…

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