Zach the Knife

I had a friend I worked with whose sole job was to accommodate veterans who wanted to live in one of our state veteran homes. Basically, he spent the majority of his time on the phone and to make it easier, he had a headset that allowed him to wander about while talking. He was very good at his job. He was also gullible. We’ll call him Zach.

Zach had ordered some knives from a television commercial and had a heck of a time getting them. They charged him for the knives, but the knives never came. Then they told him they would send him new knives, but he would have to pay for the shipping. Then they told him if he sent the knives back (remember, he never got them) they would give him a refund. After about a month, he was livid. He was also ripe for a prank.

One day, I took a bunch of plastic knives and packed them into a box with lots of bubble wrap. Then I sealed the box and put some professional-looking labels on it with lots of bar codes. Then I put it on his chair while he was wandering around on a call. I could hardly contain myself when he returned to his cubicle.

ZACH: Hey! I got a box! (I could hear some noise). It’s my knives!

CO-WORKER: About time!

ZACH: Yeah…but the box seems awful light…

ME: Well, open it! (He did).

ZACH: What the…what is this? Wait! These are plastic knives! They sent me plastic knives!

By this time all of us were snickering. It took him a few moments, but he seemed to work it out.

ZACH: DAZEODREW!

I thought that was one of my better pranks, but I was soon to be outdone by a co-worker.

We were in the breakroom for lunch when Zach came in. He wasn’t on the phone, but he had his headset on him in case of a call. Zach went to the window and began ogling the receptionist at the dental office across the street who was outside for her break.

ZACH: Man! Look at her!

Of course, we all looked. Then one of my co-workers quickly left the breakroom. We all continued to have our lunch while Zach kept looking out the window and commenting. Then his phone rang. He began to answer with the usual greeting but was cut short…

ZACH: Hello, this is Zach with the…

PHONE: Are you looking at my butt?

ZACH: Excuse me?

PHONE: I can see you up in the window! Are you looking at my butt?

ZACH: I, uh, no, I’m just looking out the window!

PHONE: I think you’re looking at my butt!

ZACH: No, I, um, I’m not looking at your butt!

PHONE: What’s wrong with my butt?

ZACH: I, um, there’s nothing wrong with your butt, um…

PHONE: So you ARE looking at my butt?

We were all laughing hysterically and our laugh redoubled when that co-worker came walking into the breakroom with his own headset on.

CO-WORKER: So there’s nothing wrong with my butt?

ZACH (also laughing at this point): Oh my God! I thought I was in trouble! You son of a…

That was one of the best pranks I ever witnessed. It was perfect. If there were a Prank Olympics, that one would’ve been pure gold. For the rest of my life, the bar was set.

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