I’ve had to move a lot in my life. Some were moves for the better, some were moves out of necessity, and a couple were “Quick! We have to get out of here!” moves. The one common factor in each of these moves is…moving sucks.

With the exception of the military, we’ve had to do all the moves ourselves. It’s tedious, back-breaking, and no matter how much you plan ahead, something inevitably goes wrong or breaks. There’s only so much bubble wrap and packing materials you can use before turning the item into something unidentifiable. You’ll be loading the truck and then come into the house and see a blob of bubble wrap.

ME: What’s this?

WIFE: What’s what?

ME: This thing, um, this giant ball of bubble wrap?

WIFE: I think it’s just extra bubble wrap.

ME: Oh, okay. I’ll just move it out of the way. (This is followed by the sounds of breaking glass).

WIFE: What was that?

ME: Um, does bubble wrap break like glass?

Some of the other hazards of moving are accidentally packing something you need at the moment.

ME: Have you seen my toothbrush?

Appliances are some of my favorite things to move. Besides the bulkiness and stairs, they sneakily cause other problems.

WIFE: Why are these boxes of clothes wet?

ME: What boxes?

WIFE: The ones that were next to the refrigerator in the truck?

That’s when I’ll find out that all the defrosting and shaking of ice-maker lines failed to dislodge a giant bubble of water somewhere up the line. That bubble waits until everything is packed and cuts loose. It’s kind of like taking a long trip with kids.

ME: Everyone ready to go?

KIDS: Yeah!

A few minutes later, usually just after you entered the freeway.

KIDS: We have to go pee!

ME: Can’t you hold it?

KIDS: Oops…

ME: Really? All of you just peed your pants?

DAUGHTER: Not me.

ME: Good girl.

DAUGHTER: I’m wearing a dress.

ME: Um…

Another fun thing to do is change your address, transfer utilities, cable, and internet.

ME: Hi, I’d like to move my cable and internet to my new house.

CABLE: Are you aware your bill is due?

ME: Oh, yeah, I’ll get it paid by the end of the week.

CABLE: You have 24 hours.

ME: Well, I’m in the middle of moving and…

CABLE: Would you like it if your job decided to pay you whenever they wanted?

ME: Um, no, but…

CABLE: It’s important for everybody to do things promptly and on time.

ME: Um, ok. I’ll pay it today. Now when can I get my new service at my new house?

CABLE: Our first opening to send a technician out is 3 weeks from now.

ME: 3 WEEKS?

CABLE: Yes. We’ll need you to be available from 8 am to 6 pm.

ME: ALL DAY?

CABLE: Oh, I’m sorry.

ME: I would imagine…

CABLE: It’s 8 am Monday until 6 pm Thursday that you’ll need to be home.

ME: Wait, WHAT?

CABLE: Also, keep your phone near you in case we’re running late.

ME: LATE? You mean like, Friday?

CABLE: Oh, no, you couldn’t possibly have somebody on Friday. It’s deer hunting season, you know. It would be the next week from Monday through Thursday. We’ll call if that happens.

ME: WHAT?

So there it is. Moving sucks.