Well, it’s that time again. Presidential candidates are coming out of the woodwork, all promising things they probably, or won’t deliver on. Every four years, we get our hopes up, then spend the next four years wondering why? We may have our favorites, we may lean right or we may lean left, we may flip a coin every election because we don’t like any of them (my wife and I did this once), or we may just not care and stay away from voting. No matter what we do, we are all affected by the results.
Even though I’ve said a couple times that I would avoid politics, I just couldn’t do that when I heard about this candidate. He is, by far, the most enticing candidate I’ve ever come across. He’s basic, he’s simple, he’s opinionated, and he hates most everybody. He’s Red Foreman and he has a basic message for everybody…
“A beer in every hand, a foot in every ass.” How can you not get behind that message? I mean, as a cheesehead originally from Wisconsin, the beer is a given. As far as a foot in every ass? Personally, I think that’s what a lot of people need, especially the current politicians hiding out in DC…or even in our state capitals…heck, even in our city and town halls! School boards! Utility boards! Student presidents…ok, maybe a little too far, but you get the picture. Who wouldn’t benefit from a good foot in the ass? It’s a needed commodity these days!
People like Red Foreman are a rare breed nowadays. With him, you know what you’re going to get! If you try to terrorize anybody…foot in the ass! If you try to steal our children…foot in the ass! If you try to cheat everybody else out of what’s theirs…foot in the ass! Shoot somebody without provocation…foot in the ass! Take my beer…yes, you got it, foot in the ass! Can you just imagine Red Foreman in the White House?
AIDE: Mr. President, Sir?
PRESIDENT RED: What is it now? The Packers are on!
AIDE: The country of Kelso just launched a rocket into space!
PRESIDENT RED: Those dumbasses? They couldn’t even get a rocket out of their ass! (2nd aide comes running into the office).
2ND AIDE: The rocket crashed!
PRESIDENT RED: See? Dumbasses.
1ST AIDE: Should we send someone to find out what happened?
PRESIDENT RED: Why should we care?
2ND AIDE: Sir, we need to…
PRESIDENT RED: Fine, fine! Send the foreign kid. They can be dumbasses together. And while you’re up, get me a beer, will you? I hope I didn’t miss the opening kick-off because of this! They’re playing the Bears for God’s sake!
1ST AIDE: Um, Sir? The, um, foreign kid, um, Fez, is still in the Amazon where you sent him last week? You told him there was pie and candy there?
PRESIDENT RED: Oh, yes, that’s right. Well, do I have to do all the thinking around here? Fine, send that mouthy girl, the one who won’t shut up. She seems to get through to Kelso. Now get me my beer before I put my…
1ST AIDE: …Foot in my ass? Yes Sir.
See how smooth that went? No committees, no meetings, no gathering of the Security Council, just Red Foreman. There’s not much he can’t handle. Except Kitty, his wife. She is the balancing force needed for Red Foreman to be successful.
FIRST LADY KITTY: Red? There’s a group of school children here to see the Oval Office! How exciting!
PRESIDENT RED: Again? There was a group yesterday, and I think half of them were hopped up on…
FIRST LADY KITTY: Oh, Red! They’re just children! Ha ha ha ha!
PRESIDENT RED: Oh, Kitty. That’s what you said about Eric and his friends and they’re all hopheads!
FIRST LADY KITTY: Oh, Red! There was just that one time in the basement! That was years ago in the 70s!
PRESIDENT RED (softening his look because that’s the effect Kitty has on him): You’re probably right, honey. Hey! What’s that on the lawn? Are they having circle time? On the White House lawn? That’s it! No more Mr. Nice Guy! I’m going to put both of my feet…
FIRST LADY KITTY: …In their collective asses? Oh, Red! Ha ha ha ha! We need cake!
There you go! The perfect couple for the White House! Everything has three simple solutions. Beer, foot in the ass, and cake. The trifecta of world peace! I know how I’m going to vote…unless, of course, he has Bob Pinciotti as his running mate…can you imagine?
VICE PRESIDENT BOB: Hey there, hi there, ho there!
But then again, if Midge came back to him…