Gummyheads

Gummy Bears are my addiction, my obsession, and my kryptonite. I can focus on almost anything, but when Gummies are waved around me, I fall apart and give in. It can be embarrassing at times. I try to hide my shame by sneaking the Gummy Bears when nobody is looking. I have stashes of Gummies in many places. I can actually remember my first taste…

ROUGH LOOKING KID ON PLAYGROUND: Hey kid, come’ere…

ME: Um, what?

ROUGH KID: You ever seen one of these?

My eyes glazed over, the heavens opened up, and I could hear angels singing. In his hand was a small assortment of fruit-flavored Gummy Bears. I knew then I had to have one. I reached for the handful. He pulled them away.

ROUGH KID: Easy there, kid! You want to start slow with these. Try an orange one…

It was all over for me. From that point on, all I could think of was Gummy Bears. I found myself sitting on corners begging for change to get some. My personality changed as I grew more and more addicted. At one point, I thought I should try to quit, but I tried cold turkey and the withdrawals were too much to handle. I found myself doubling what I ate before.

I knew I had hit rock bottom when I woke up in a Gummy Bear house. It was an abandoned house and there were about a dozen of us laying around with empty bags that once held gummies. We were all coming down at the same time. A couple of the others tried to talk the rest of us into raiding the candy store. “They can’t stop all of us!” they enticed.

Well, they stopped all of us (this wasn’t the first time a raging group of Gummyheads tried to raid the candy store) and we all went to jail. Back then, there weren’t any rehabs for Gummyheads so the judge gave us the choice of the military or jail. I chose the military.

The military was just what I needed. I was able to break away from my addiction and begin to lead a normal life. Don’t get me wrong, the cravings were still there, but I was able to fight them off. All was going well until I was shipped to Germany. Germany is the birthplace for Gummy Bears. It was like sending a cookie addict to a Keebler Elf Village. You’re just asking for carnage!

At first, I was able to avoid the places where the Gummyheads hung out. There were a lot of them in the military. Then on one drunken night, I let my guard down. A bowl of Gummies was being passed around and I took one. It was all over for me again. I found myself using Gummies like I used air. I always had to have more. Like most Gummyheads, I didn’t think anybody noticed…but they did.

COMMANDER: Sergeant Dazeodrew, we think you’re using Gummies…

ME: No Sir, no, um, I can quit at anytime…

COMMANDER: Empty your pockets.

I refused and it took two MP’s to hold me down while they searched. They got my stash from both pockets, both cargo pockets, and even the emergency stash in my socks. I was left gummy-less. I was completely humiliated and embarrassed. Instead of quitting, I just became sneakier.

FIRST SERGEANT: Sergeant Dazeodrew? Why are you shaking your canteen out?

ME: That last one is stuck…um, I mean, I’m making sure it’s dry.

FIRST SERGEANT: It’s a canteen.

ME: Um, yeah, but I like it to be dry before I fill it up.

I made it through my military time without getting busted, but I’m not sure how.

Nowadays, I’m known as a “functional user.” I’m able to keep my addiction going, but I can still function as if I’m not a Gummyhead. With the variety of Gummies on the market, it’s become easier to hide them.

CO-WORKER: Nice looking Cherry brooch your wearing.

ME: Thanks…

CO-WORKER: And your wrist bracelets are very colorful. They almost look like Gummy Worms.

ME: Haha, yeah, almost.

An hour later.

CO-WORKER: Hey, what happened to your brooch and bracelets?

ME: What brooch? I’m a guy, I don’t wear brooches!

CO-WORKER: And the bracelets?

ME: DON’T YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO YOU WITCH-HUNTER!

Anyway, I’m waiting for the day they legalize Gummies so I don’t have to hide in shame anymore. It’s ridiculous that I have to sneak around like this. I’m a grown man, for Pete’s sake! Oooh! Orange!

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