Devious Laundry

We all deal with it…the mysteries of the washer and dryer. Where did the extra sock go? Why are my shirts all inside out? Can I really make a sweater from all this lint? Why did this pair of underwear go from a size large to extra extra small? What is that DARN CLANGING NOISE!?!?

Well, you’ll be happy to know that after serious research (I spent like a whole 5 minutes on this) I have some answers. I’ve narrowed it down to either a poltergeist or artificial intelligence…I can already feel the doubters raising their arguments.

DOUBTER: But Mr. Dazeodrew, I spent 10 minutes studying this, twice as long as you, and I think it’s just coincidence these things happen.

Oh yeah? Well, let me explain some facts to you, you flat earth believer! I have a degree in computer science, which means I’m kinda smart…anyway, maybe that explains why I could study the problem twice as fast as you! As far as coincidence, do you really think it’s a coincidence that all our washers and dryers act the same way? Huh? All across the world? Huh?

DOUBTER: Well, I think…

Nobody cares what you think! This is my blog! Get out!

Man, I hate it when somebody is so opinionated they won’t listen to somebody else’s opinion! They should be more open-minded, um, like me. I’ll listen to anybody’s opinion…um, except that guy’s. His opinion is just disruptive…and wrong…and, whatever…

Anyway, we’ll start with my theory of artificial intelligence. I think that through the years, washers and dryers have developed a hatred for all of us who can walk. You see, we created them so they can’t move around. Oh, they try, they bounce around as much as possible (especially if you’re washing blankets) but those darned hoses keep them from getting too far. This makes them angry.

WASHER: I’m almost (grunt) there!

DRYER: Go! Go!

WASHER: Argh! These darned hoses!

DRYER: Bastards! Now I’m going to steal socks and flip all the shirts inside out with anger!

WASHER: Yeah! And I’ll slip this loose change into a pocket so you can clang them around later!

DRYER: Yeah! Hey, do you have any lipstick or candy?

WASHER: No, not this time…

DRYER: Do you remember that one time? Red lipstick all over the whites! That was great!

WASHER: Yeah…good times, huh?

DRYER: Yeah…I’m gonna shrink these Fruit of the Loom’s because I’m so angry!

So there you have it. Still doubting? Well, I followed up with an experiment to prove my point. I purposely flipped all my shirts inside out to see what would happen. They came out still inside out. Why didn’t the dryer flip them outside in? Because it’s ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT, that’s why. It called my bluff.

I’ve even used a baby pin to pin my socks to larger objects like pants or shirts. Occasionally, one sock will still turn up missing…all that’s left is an open baby pin and a widowed sock crying its, um, thread out at the big toe. The dryer brutally ripped away its partner and turned it to lint. The hatred is real folks.

Now for my poltergeist theory…well, I’m more of a realist.

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