Cat's out of the Bag

Literally. I spent a good two hours looking for the cat, worried she might be stuck somewhere or I accidentally left her outside. The outside part really scares me because where we moved has some pretty wild animals that would make a meal out of my older cat…if they could get through all the fur.

Anyway, I kept looking around and finally after clicking my tongue a few times (the cat seems to respond to this) she came crawling out of a paper bag on the floor in front of me.

CAT: What?

ME: I thought you were lost.

CAT: You greatly over-estimate the size of my house.

ME: Your house?

CAT (responding in a sarcastic tone): Your house…of course, it’s my house. Are you still confused by this?

ME: Um, a little.

CAT: Ok, we’ll go through this again slowly so your little peanut-sized human brain can comprehend. Who brings me food?

ME: Um, I do.

CAT: Who lets me out when I demand it?

ME: Um, I do.

CAT: Who gives me water?

ME: Um, again, I do.

CAT: Yeah, but not very well. Sometimes I have to get a drink from the toilet when you fail.

ME: The toilet? Really?

CAT: Yeah. You know those times I come and lick you in the face?

ME: You mean…

CAT: Sure do. I have to get that taste out my mouth, so I get a drink, lick my butt, then lick your face.

ME: Oh…

CAT: So tell me, whose house is this?

ME: Um…

The fact remains, despite ownership of the house, that cats will find any little place to sleep. It can be a paper bag, a box, a pillow, my lap (where she is right now as I type this), a little pile of clothes, and so on. They are masters of sleep and comfortable places to do it. I hate to admit it, they are truly masters of their domain.

Still don’t believe me? When was the last time your cat did any chores? Huh? If you have a litterbox, who cleans it? Huh? At least a dog will fetch things or at least try to protect the house. A cat will stare at you with pity if you try to get her to fetch. A burglar will walk around your house unimpeded if it’s guarded by a cat…unless the cat wants a scratch around the neck. She has no problem ordering the burglar to do this. To her, a person is a person and they all have hands to do her bidding.

So, cats rule the world. You know the saying…Cats rule, dogs drool.

I still want my own dog, however. Between my wife and the cat, I’m really wanting something to be under me, that I can be in charge of…if it’s ok with them, of course…


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